indication

beyond mere brood disordered mood
depression pains obtains the reins
sustains in million numbers tolled
of persons young and old

propensity defined:
toward downward bend inclined,
a neuro-chem append, genetic trend,
eventful trigger’s tend that will not mend in time

severity may range
from affable to strange
inciting notice, fend, or dote
to restore buoyancy to float
droll may well be spirited away
by ambient crème broulee
or certain cabernet, but may — unfortunate to say
— oblige parlay without delay
for hospital stay

attribute? undisclosed
though studies measured show
in chemical tableau
seratonin may be low,
or hormones too, although
impractical to know
which micro-balance is in woe

cortisol, progesterone,
or dopamine won’t hold its own?
endorphins whacked?
hippocampus lax?
something amuss
in hypothalamus?
or — trended in calculus
not rendered innocuous —
adrenal-pituitary axis is vacuous

though much to gain from talk profane
from chem adjust in meds we trust
for treatment robust touch must too be discussed

known massage can reprieve agitation, fatigue,

insomnia, headache, reduced interest in cake
even symptoms like sadness can lose their intransigence

chronic pain may decrease and emotions release

deep relaxation ensue, increased energy too

with all said, done, and mused

really — nothing to lose

notes on circumstance

NOTES on Iranian filmmaker Maryan Keshavarz's new film, Circumstance:

Beautiful and important film. Rare view into the delicate, rich interior between two Iranian girls navigating the intimate complexities of their changing friendship, sexuality, love, and relationship in family, and the world. Exquisitely deliberates the deep casualty of non-free society — repressing the freedom to love. Sensual, dense, gorgeous, provocative, and sexy at its best.

consider movement

consider movement — gesture goal
for shift or bend in skeleton or soul
impetuous yen now or then
for flexion deep extension bold
for arch or sway or deviate display
you ponder, say: what fiber to engage?
what axon to cajole?

consider muscle tone alone
lying side, supine, or prone
for posture to intone and hold its own
— for what reason? still unknown —
query poem: what cell, fascicle or bone
(agonistic? antagon?)
needs innervate or hone?

and what if temperature or heat
needs generation beat discrete
teetered hemeostat effete
registers fahrenheit retreat
in need of boost or ATP
for shiver to entreat, do you tweet:
“achtung, actin! myosin bind! contract! repeat?”

no. how indiscrete.

for prime to move well out of oxygen debt
for synapse to cleft a nerve transmitter’s bet
for filament slide to parry mysium’s feint
for reticulum’s pride to tend motor end’s plate 
for vessel to vesicle calcium’s shift
neuromuscular junction to function not drift
consider thrift? synergistic assist —
— at the wrist?

to move tissue and bone
maintain sure muscle tone
precipitate heat from the head to the feet
(du pied à la tête, si jamais vous parlez….)
to purvey a sashay, should occasion convey
or present —

with neurologic consent
and no gods’ circumvent
heart aligned and not bent
(beyond reasoned lament)

consider intent.

cows in keep

cows in keep contain their creep 

not so for heart nor dandelion’s weep

whose appetites incite her seek 

beyond Descartes beyond Belgique  

for know for O for spirituous Pernod 

like neap will lap in restive leap 

delinquent reach in want’s endow 

a wayward pant not held by fences apropos
 
as air her prayer concessionaire will travel plume 

assume entreat past comfort’s gate discreet 

where longing’s siren lo incant 

betrayal’s muse seduction’s rant
delivers daisy innocent

beyond abiding’s commandant 

leads fondness to errant 

betrayed by careless ache mistake 

by yearning’s wake vivant and taunt
indelicate avant.


grading's brink

where grading's brink requires think
reprieve in om may better prodigy en sync
enlighten dome embellish tome and sprite
engender light where droll écoles hitherto cajole

on shifting ground beneath cognition and memory

SUPPOSITION: Not fully articulate, there is meaning in the balance made by two seemingly opposed parts of my psyche: one which adores, embraces, relishes in language, words, verbal expression of meaning; and the other which cannot find nor hold words and meaning together, which readily loses keys and the name for keys, and any time, event, or intent relevant to keys. I do not lose the meaning of keys, which I’m told is key, so there is reassurance there. But names and time and intent slide achingly far from reach. Recent years see shifting ground beneath cognition and memory, rendering words less available, less functional. Rendering words less critical and most critical at once. Perfect duality. Perfect, too, my affection for the elegance and economy viable in poetry.

OBSERVATION: Information no longer goes in the same way it used to, nor settles nor stays where it lands. Observation through last ten years has displayed a disquieting journey. Faulty memory too bears faulty engineering — discovery process forged by happenstance and epiphany more than calculation and intent. Past trauma in my psychology, loss and struggle cast expansive span, affecting self-esteem, social comfort, professional identity, perception/delivery of competence, relationship/partner choices, future-planning, effective reasoning on existential meaning. Evidence diminished application, not brain activity.

DISCUSSION: Losing language, though quite useful in spiritual training — spiritual reasoning on existential meaning — is less useful it seems in practice of acquiring knowledge. But survival encourages seeking plausible means, finding avenues less academic and more vibrational in method. Ultimately means imploring non-verbal to expand the depth of perception / reception. For acquiring and retaining knowledge, exploring paths distinguished less through words and more through intuition. [Starting to look like spiritual practice….]  Aside not lost on me: paradox implicit in using words to communicate inability to use words.

Empirical observation reveals another paradox: the Act of Trying to remember actually ensures inability. No quantum mass of earnest, no diligence of effort, nor kindness of heart, nor past scholarship charms Lucid from the endless white abyss of Trying. Repeated demonstration conclusively reveals: articulation never found in Effort. Instead finds sweat, humiliation, doubt, exhaustion, panic, sting, and evermore white abyss. Trying, then, my surest path to suffering.

CONCLUSION: Relief demands learning acceptance and detachment from wanting, requires spiritual practice [!] of Not Trying. And as long as the only way out is through, functional survival requires finding alternate paths to intellectual memory, alternate means to process information, alternate manner for learning, alternate facilities for acquiring and retrieving knowledge. Just as blindness inspires auditory superiority, one cognitive loss inspires me to keen another. Ultimately encouraged to explore an expanded definition of memory; provoked to learn reliance on cellular, emotional, and spiritual intelligence for articulation. More duality presents. Loss = Gain. Same coin, two sides. Cause = Resolution.

monday polemic

Did anyone stay up to watch the Oscars last night? I intended to, and tried, but the show was so boring, I finally followed my tiredness to bed about 10:00. The intensity of the hype is ultimately so ridiculous compared to what the show actually delivers; amazing my feeble brain doesn't remember it year after year. Got mindlessly sucked into the anticipation, tricked into thinking that all the "new technology" had something meaningful to enhance my life. It did not. Ah, the ruse of marketing. Had I a less-fallible brain or a more well-developed intuition, I would have clairvoyantly known to avoid the whole thing.

But — c'est la vie, as we Americans who know no French like to say. What attempted to pass as an unprecedented interactive experience was actually mere pander to the now-prevalent biologic aberration: the fractionalized attention span. Dozens of cams offered presumed exclusive views into the experience — fan cam, fashion cam, announcer cam, famous faces cam, 360 skyview cam, paparazzi cam, host cam, 360 grand stair cam, thank you cam, backstage cam, control booth cam, winners' photo cam, on and on and on.... My faves were the shameless "champagne cam" and "lobby bar cam" encouraging you to keep track of who was drinking what. Reality is, was just one experience chopped up into meaningless, unrecognizable bits called "options." (Read Barry Schwartz' The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less) Anyway, I eventually "woke" from the snorefest and chose the time-tested more productive dreamland.